When “Did You Just Roll Your Eyes at Me?” Happens at Work: How to Deal with Peer Incivility (Bravely, and Without Setting the Break Room on Fire)
Let’s face it—most of us expect occasional workplace stress, but what catches us off guard is when the tension comes from our peers. Whether it’s a snippy comment in a meeting, a cold shoulder during collaboration, or subtle digs that leave you second-guessing yourself, peer-to-peer incivility can throw off even the most grounded professional. It’s uncomfortable, awkward, and—if left unchecked—damaging to team morale.
The good news? You don’t have to let it slide, and you don’t have to turn into someone you’re not to speak up. Being brave doesn’t mean being confrontational—it just means showing up with clarity, kindness, and a little courage when it counts.
First, What Is Peer Incivility, Exactly?
Think of it as death by a thousand paper cuts:
Repeatedly being talked over
Dismissive comments in meetings
Snarky side convos in the group chat
That one person who never replies to your Slack message… but is clearly active. 😒
It's not always overt, but it chips away at morale, collaboration, and sometimes your last nerve.
Why It Matters (Besides the Obvious)
Unaddressed incivility doesn’t just make for an awkward vibe—it erodes trust, tanks productivity, and can spiral into full-on conflict. And if you’re in a leadership role, it can also set the tone for what is (and isn’t) acceptable.
So what do you do when the bad vibes are coming from your work twin, lunch buddy, or—gulp—the person who sits right next to you?
1. Breathe Before You Blast
Yes, that comment was rude. But before you channel your inner Olivia Pope, take a breath. Bravery isn’t about reacting in the moment—it’s about responding with intention. Try not to respond while your internal dialogue is still saying, “I know she did not just…”
2. Name It With Nuance
Courage doesn’t mean confrontation has to be dramatic. Sometimes, it’s as simple as a calm, “Hey, can I check in on something you said earlier?” or “I might’ve misread that email, but it came off a little sharp—can we talk it through?”
The goal isn’t to accuse; it’s to invite clarity. (Even if what you really want to invite is a therapist to sit in on your next one-on-one.)
3. Use Humor (Carefully!)
A little levity can go a long way—especially if you're trying to break tension. “I didn’t realize we were competing in the Olympic eye-roll event today—are we going for gold?” (Said with a smile, of course.)
Just be sure your humor lightens the moment, not makes it heavier.
4. Stand Firm, Kindly
If the behavior keeps happening, it’s okay to say: “I want us to work well together, but when [X] happens, it makes that hard. Let’s figure out a better way forward.”
Bravery isn’t about being the loudest voice—it’s about staying rooted in your values, even when the situation is uncomfortable.
5. Know When to Escalate (And That It’s Okay)
You’re not weak for asking for support. If someone’s behavior crosses a line or becomes a pattern, loop in HR, your manager, or a trusted leader. That’s not tattling—that’s advocating for a healthy workplace.
One Last Thing…
Being brave about incivility doesn’t mean being perfect. You’ll fumble. You’ll rehearse conversations in the mirror. You might even hit “send” on an email and immediately regret not adding more emojis.
But each time you address it with clarity and courage, you’re helping create a culture where respect is the norm—not the exception.
And honestly? That’s kind of heroic.
